Today, I will be very personal. It’s not often I can be so personal because it feels very vulnerable. At the same time, I want to write down some personal reflections.
Every now and then I usually reflect on my life and the choices I make. I am fascinated by myself while sometimes I’m wondering how my thoughts went in certain situations. One of these situations concerns a man I met a while ago. Outwardly, he and I had nothing but a short-term relationship, but to me that relationship was very special and significant. It was significant in the way that he made me think and look at situations in a different way than I did before and I will always admire his intelligence and independence.
The spontaneous me must say that I really appreciated making two very spontaneous trips with him. I remember our first trip like it was yesterday. When on a Friday in the middle of summer I went to Poland to meet him in the middle of a square in a Polish town where he had spent the week at a friend of his. I remember how the taxi drove up to the crowded and lively square of the evening, how I got out of the car and met the one I should spend the holiday with. I got the feeling of how I lived in the present and the feeling of this is just the way life should be. A little crazy, spontaneous and a little romantic.
I remember one of the mornings when we sat down and had breakfast outside on the square and how I was looking over the square thinking that my life was very good right now and then. That the company I had there and then was a company I was very pleased with and that I wished my life would happily continue to include holidays just like this one.
Nor will I ever forget the time after our time apart we had from each other in a few months. How happy I was when he contacted me. That look and hug I received at the moment when we first saw each other after severals months. That will stay on my mind for a while.
How, after two weeks, we booked a longer trip together that would be over my birthday, just as I had wanted for a long time before. I will never forget the feeling of how safe I felt when I sat in his knee in front of the computer when we booked the tickets on valentines day. Life could not be better.
But unfortunately, several situations occurred in this relationship I wished I had not experienced or perhaps taken more seriously than I actually did there and then. It was several times I could hear myself wondering if this was all. Is this how my life will look like? Should I have to stand in his kitchen and looking out the window and out over the school yard with a painful concern, that I then flatter with a bad persuasion that it is only a temporary sense of anxiety.
Last time, I felt that the relationship was condemned to death. None of us slept particularly well the nights we slept together. My inner aggression grew deeper as I neither felt at home in the relationship or at work. In my relationship, I felt trapped and inhibited because I was too scared to show who I really was and still is. I was afraid of losing someone I had already missed once and, therefore, was terrified to show my real me who is colorful, honest and perhaps sometimes a bit temperamental. Nor did I ever experience the communication and closeness I wanted and maybe even sometimes need from a partner.
At the time my relationship was falling apart, I felt that life at work was as difficult as my private life. I did not have any motivation to go to work and did not enjoy it at all. I should have so happy to have begun a new job, but all I had was a big lump in my stomach every morning when I went to work. I remember how I spent the last two weeks sitting on my office chair and wondered how long I could stand out with my life.
Finally, it came a week when everything turned upside down. Really everything. I never thought my life would turn as it did at one and the same time. At the same time, the combination of the worrying, the anxiety and the aggression was as if I wanted to change the direction of the life that I really wanted to live.
I’m glad I changed my life. I am so happy and above all grateful that I answered the question that we all should occasionally ask ourselves. What can I accept?