Every day can’t be good

Today isn’t a good day. Next to disaster. It’s really nothing special that has happened. It’s just that I don’t have control over my emotions today.

I have been on an education all day. That in itself was fun. But at the same time, it raised some thoughts. It raised thoughts about what I should do with my life. That I sometimes feels like I am just letting the time pass by without any plan whatsoever or that I have a specific goal that I aim for. Something I am so focused on. At the same time, I have many dreams but at the same time I also do not want to be naive and believe that they will be fulfilled, because then I will only be disappointed and bitter.

Questions that I often ask myself is “where are you in 5 years?”. When I think about that question, I get some panic. I don’t know where I am in five years. The worst part is that I know that it is just to decide so it will probably be so. My problem is that I try to figure out what is best instead of thinking about what is most fun. My father said to me that this will be better within time. I really want to know when. I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t have this sort of panic over my life until I’m dead. If it will continue like this, the anxiety will be my death. At least it will feel like it’s eating me alive. Horrible and tragical.

Questions like “how will my life be if I work here?”, “will you ever get married?”, “Do you want kids in the future?”, “what is the smartest choice to do if I start studying again?” Will it make any difference to your career or is it just a naive thought?. These are only a few of my heavy questions I have struggled with for some time now. Is it because I haven’t decided what life I want to live or is this because of something else? Is this because I see people around me settle down, having kids and here I am, still going out like there is no tomorrow, not having a partner, not even wanting a partner right now, not knowing if I want kids in the future and not being completely satisfied with my career choice.
When I feel like this, like today. I just want to crawl under the blanket together with my computer and pretend that I don’t have to be a grown up. To stay up all night to write, watch movies, eat ice cream and listen to music.

I have understood that my problem to my issue is that I always try to think of two steps forward instead of looking at here and now. I do this because I am so scared to lose control of my life and end up in a place in life I really do not want end up at. The nightmare is to look back at my life and regret things. This makes me paralyzed, which makes it even worse. So the question I really need to ask before I do anything is, what do I really want?

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